Enlightenment Embarrassment

Is there an emoji for being gaslit? Some sort of meme that accompanies when you realize you’ve been taken for a ride, and you finally realize the glaring truth? Maybe one of those old timey people lighting an actual gas lamp and the power behind the light breaking the glass? But can it be made into one of those 24 bit video memes, like an old Atari game?

And how long does the embarrassment last on your sudden enlightenment? When you finally realize the song of their people is just a Red Flag Jubilee, what is the actual wallowing period of your obliviousness? What about the mourning period for your goodwill that has been plucked from your psyche like low hanging fruit and harvested by the Entitled People, LLC.

I have been so smug in my good fortune. So thrilled with the fact that I had two interesting opportunities to work with and was fed positive feedback from both. However, like slowly coming out of sugar high, I’m beginning to understand the passive aggressive ‘playful’ remarks from one of these opportunities is actually me being gaslit at such levels I’m surprised I didn’t have to evacuate the house. Perhaps I’m more old school than I realize. Perhaps the idea of developing the people who work around you is lost in the grasping clutches of getting your own. Repeated jabs, however, don’t prove a point, or make you seem funny, all it does it leave a bruise.

I absolutely take some blame. Willfully turning a blind eye to behavior I knew wasn’t quite right so that I can chase the dollar, but suddenly I’m enlightened. Like a supernova burning my retinas, I can see the after effects the ‘banter’ has done to my ego, my patience and my outlook. Willfully ignorant no longer, I need to make some decisions on what the next steps will be. Do I continue to ‘help’, gathering funds to pay off bills, but keeping my eagerness to a minimum? Do I sever the relationship – except that doesn’t work in my favor either.

And finally what do I do with the disappointment? Where does it get shelved after it has outlived its usefulness? Disappointment in me, disappointment in them; there is enough to go around, but where can it be disposed of when I’m done.