Working On A Quirky Graph

I’m two weeks after the iron infusion and I still feel like I’m falling asleep in my breakfast. Not that I’m really eating any of that. My appetite, my energy levels and my sleep have all been way off. I will go from a normal day of eating, to barely being able to get down a small cup of broth. I’m making sure to take all my vitamins, but I’m not breaking 1000 calories to eat, I’m no where near my protein goals and I feel listless.

Sleep is the same way. I will have a couple of days where a tornado siren could go off and I would be so deep in rem that I wouldn’t know until the next day. Which is what happened this week. Both my watch and phone are set to wake me up and I had no idea there were multiple warnings until the next morning. Luckily it wasn’t close to my location, but the next night, and subsequent nights I’m lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep. I almost fell asleep in the chair while my stylist was working on my hair yesterday. I cannot imagine the style I might have walked out of the salon with had that happened. I was happy to get home and crawl into bed. At 6:30 at night.

Last weekend I worked on the yard. I was trying to put in the fall bulbs so I could have some pops of color in the spring, but after hauling a few bags of mulch, I was ready to lay down. And I need to go back to the hardware store, pick up some more mulch, I way underestimated what I needed), and a drill bit large enough that I can just poke holes in the areas I have set aside for flowers in the front. I almost took a header just trying to dig into my garden. Which would have been both sad and comically refreshing at the same time. I was only able to get 5 bags of mulch down and 2 packages of bulbs in. I’m waiting for the rain in the next couple of days to work on the areas again. I really need to take the winter to determine what I want to do with those spots. The front of the house needs some more sage, but I’d love to have some large bushes closer to my neighbors. Maybe something large below the front window. On the side, I’ve already got some citronella, basil and thyme, as well as the saddest little rose bush that may or may not come back in the spring. But again, larger blooming bushes would be amazing. Either way, I’m going to need some help, probably professional, just to get the backyard situated as well.

Getting older is weird. I don’t even know any other way to put it. When you are younger you have an idea of what older looks like, based on what you’ve read, what you’ve seen, how other ‘adults’ have acted around you. When I was younger, and even now, I’m focused on my world, how I’m interacting with those around me, the impact I’m making or that others are making on me. I don’t know that I had a good understanding of what older really meant. Besides a passage of time, there is more to how the world interacts with you, how you see yourself, and how you react to what is around you. It helps that the world continues to change and come up with better terms and understanding of what our brains do, or how our bodies work. I’m not sure that when I was a kid we really knew or understood what anxiety was or how it affected people. And now, I have no problem letting people know that my anxiety may be peaking over one situation or another.

And yet, we still don’t know everything. Anyone that pretends they know are lying to themselves as well as you. All we can do is work to understand ourselves better and try and find new ways to learn to be better. Make sure to identify the opportunities, be thankful for what you have and give back to others. For the last few weeks I’ve been low key worrying about my job, how stable it may or may not be and what the next steps are. I love what I do, but there are aspects of the culture that are not enjoyable at the moment. I finally sat down, worked on my resume and realized that I needed a second set of eyes to make it better. I also sat myself down and looked at my expenses and what is upcoming to prepare for the worst. I’m not hoarding toilet paper in the basement, but I am stocking up on dried goods and soups in case I need to cut way back on expenditures. My garden was bust, but I tried. And I will start thinking about how I want to set it up for next spring or if I want to stick with some basics and let the rest of it go.

In the midst of doomsday prepping, I also found out an old acquaintance from school had passed. He was a year younger than me with kids still in school. While we weren’t close, we would talk when we ran into each other, comparing thoughts on the world and our slices of it.

As we get older we move closer to the understanding that we won’t live forever. I recognize that nothing is guaranteed and we could pass at any time for any reason. It is still jarring, but with the slight tint of resignation and begrudging acceptance when someone in your age group goes. Life is amazing short and fragile. I cannot begin to ponder his journey, but can only hope that we all have an opportunity to make an impact in someone’s life at least once. I have no doubt I’ve been the villain in someone’s story, but I hope that as many times I’ve been cursed, I have also been thought of fondly, perhaps with a smile and shake of their head.

And hopefully I have a chance to make that positive impact again tomorrow.