Working On A Quirky Graph

I think my mind is a haunted house at the moment..

It is either that or I have a procrastination problem that is a bit more severe than usual. I’m not entirely sure when it started. Probably when I was a kid, but it ebbs and flows with my life, sometimes surging at inopportune times, other times I feel like I can bulldoze my way through anything. At the moment, I’m having trouble focusing on much of anything. Often times I feel like I’m standing in a hallway full of doorways. At random intervals I hear knocking coming from behind a door that I feel an almost compulsory need to answer, When I open the door, it is a task, or a responsibility that needs to be done, sometimes even a distraction I would be thrilled to jump into, but I can’t seem to get into it for very long before I can hear knocking slowly getting louder in another part of the hallway. While I know I shouldn’t leave this project I’m working on, I’m driven to see what is behind the knocking door down the hall.

Part of the reason would be that I am in limbo with the house purchase. The inspection has gone through, but there are some fixes that will need to be done first. If they choose not to remedy the issues, then I will have to walk away. I can’t see around that at the moment. I can’t let the issue go, it will have to be fixed before I move in, but I also don’t want to have to pay for it.

This puts me in a limbo though. I found a direction, I made a decision and started the process and now I have to wait. Goodness knows I’m not good with waiting. I just am having trouble transitioning this energy to any other project. I’m keeping up with my cleaning, I’m not sinking completely into disassociation, but I am having trouble keeping on task, even with work.

Of course, work is another knocking sound in my head. One that I want to try and answer just so it provides a great distraction from the impatience I’m feeling, but after about 20 minutes or shorter I can’t make that stick either. I can’t even sleep all the way through the night at this point. My sense of focus won’t even allow me a good 7 hours of sleep. I feel like a toddler after mainlining sugar. High energy for a moment then a crash while I try and figure out where I am and what just happened.

I think part of the problem is that I don’t have my personal life and my professional life aligned. One is in a waiting position and the other is either stalled or in a free fall. I’m trying to mitigate how much debt I’m taking on because I have no idea where my career is going to go, but if this house falls through, then I will have to drastically rearrange my thoughts.

Knock Knock. Maybe I look at the houses that are selling cheaply as a multifamily and then try and secure a secondary loan for the repairs?

Even if this house falls through, I’m still fairly adamant that I will be moving so I need to start packing, but I haven’t started that yet either. Instead I’ve been starting and stopping projects, including popping a new 1000 piece puzzle to work on. The only problem is that I wasn’t thrilled with the types of pieces so I only put a few pieces together before I swept everything back into its box.

I’ve tried crosswords, I’ve tried books, I’ve checked out my little garden. I’ve gone to dinner with friends and I’ve caught myself eyeballing the stack of puzzles I just purchased again.

Knock knock… should I just go ahead and donate all the clothes in this other closet? I never use them. What about this old computer? Do I know for sure if I have moved all the photos off?

I’m not sure what is causing this latest riot in my brain, but so far nothing is calming it, not even exercise. I feel like I’m being forced to wait it out. If this is an exercise in patience I would rather do planks.