Working On A Quirky Graph

It has been a fairly busy couple of weeks. I’ve been reordering my priorities and coming up blank. It’s a bit like a math problem that is missing important information.

It isn’t that I don’t know what is important. I do. I have just been given different perspectives on myself and I don’t know how to slot them into what I know of myself. Trying to determine what drives me to get up every morning, at the moment is disappointing because I believe it is expectations. Not necessarily expectations I have put on myself, but expectations I set up that I knew I would have to follow through on. My job primarily. Certain social aspects, but nothing that peaks my interest. I’m not sure if I’ve always been this way or if it is recent, but it is certainly eye opening.

At work the other day there was a training, and in it (which tells you a lot that I don’t remember what I was supposed to be learning about) Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs was brought up. I can honestly say I don’t ever remember learning about this, which is a little disappointing as I know I had at least one class on psychology as part of the education minor I was pursuing. In the middle of this pyramid of psychological evolution is the need for friendship and love. And as I’m stuck in the back of the coffee shop looking at the screen it struck me that I’m not sure I need that. I love and have loved and am loved. I’m not uncertain about any of those things, but I don’t clamor for friends or people to spend time with. I love my family, but holy hell can they wear my introvert soul out when they are all talking at once. My recovery time from a family gathering is needing to be longer and longer than it had previously and I’m not sure why that is. Or how to fix it. I wonder if it isn’t a natural progression of getting older, or is it that I’m falling out of practice not working with large groups and continually having that noise so when I get close to it, it is overwhelming.

And goodness knows I can go long periods of time without actually interacting with other humans. I’ve had this need these last few weeks to pull back into myself and gather my strength. There have been more than a few days where I’m not interacting with anyone at work more than absolutely necessary. Which makes the job interviews I had this week more complicated than they should have been. There have been new positions that have opened and I’ve applied to two and interviewed for one. I’m not sure what is on tap for next week, but everything is an adventure. I don’t hold a lot of hope out of the position I interviewed for. I have no idea how I did. One of the individuals I interviewed with, I’ve interviewed with before. She always looks disappointed, so there is no clue on how it went. Either way, I already have a job that I do fairly well.

As I look at that pyramid, however, I wondered if that meant I wouldn’t fulfill my full potential and then, I kind of sat back and wondered how important that was. There is nothing waiting for me to achieve some great height of self actualization. I don’t level up, I don’t gain a new power, there is, at the moment, nothing that would make that a goal to have. Plus, what does it actually mean? It isn’t the end all, be all of how to be a well adjusted adult. Right? Everyone thought Freud was the hottest thing since fire until he wasn’t. Maybe it is just what you take from it.

Just to give you a hint, the back of a coffee shop is not the best place to have an existential crisis.

There have been other priorities to throw into the cornucopia of pondering. I’m selling my abode in Indiana. While I’m sorry to see it go, it is humbling and (I don’t know why) confidence eroding to find the house needs a ton of work. I knew about the basement needing to reinforced. What I didn’t know about was the cacophony of electrical issues, the roof, etc. I got the inspection report and I was so very intimidated. But after much deliberation, I want out of the house. I spoke with the realtor and they are selling it as is. It goes on the market next week. All of my fingers are crossed because I need this albatross out from around my neck.

I’m working at the coffee shop again this weekend. Every weekend it gets a little worse. Two of the other shifts put in their notice. It is to be expected working for a coffee shop that pays for crap. Both found jobs that will pay them what they are worth. It is fulfilling to see people finding what they are interested in and them getting paid well for it.