Working On A Quirky Graph

I’ve been stress baking lately. In fact, sitting on my counter now is some butter slowly softening so I can make a cream cheese glaze for the pumpkin cookies I’ve enjoyed making recently. I’ve recently been turned down for a few more jobs; one, two, three jabs in a row, happening so fast I’m not sure how they even managed to look at my resume. Which, of course, means a software scanned my resume and then kicked it out.

It isn’t logical to be insulted and frustrated by software, but still, here I am. It is somewhat devastating to realize I am not going to automatically succeed in a field I’ve never worked in, but I am still hoping to get in somewhere.

I’ve since discovered there is only so much rejection I can handle in one day, so I ended up on my couch, curled up and reading. While that has always worked as a slight balm in the past, it just didn’t settle the rejection in my head and the itch under my skin, so I rolled off the couch and shuffled to the kitchen to try and work out my frustrations on inanimate objects. I cleaned the dishes I had left in the sink, started a load of laundry, emptied the trash in the bathroom all while compulsively checking my phone to see if there was any news from the one company I’ve actually been interviewing with. (Spoiler alert: I haven’t heard which way I’m going, but they are finishing up all their interviews this week.)

Looking for a job is a constant knock on the self esteem. It’s a comfort and and a frustration to know I’m not the only one looking. I was using LinkedIn earlier in the week and it gives you stats on how many people have looked at the same job posting you are currently perusing, as well as how many have applied. One job I looked at had been posted for 1 day, with over 100 people already applying, 67% had a master degree and 6% had a PhD. Even now it makes me giggle at myself standing over here with my little certificate hoping to play in the same pool.

After I finished the laundry, I moved over into a salted caramel cookie mix I picked up from the store cause I thought it looked tasty. It wasn’t horrible, but I wasn’t interested after the first cookie. I ended up bringing them to a work meeting instead and let everyone else go to town.

Actually, the work meeting provided some comfort and boons to my self esteem. It’s been nice at the one location for the team members to ask me back. It always makes me feel good to know that I am useful, I’m making a difference and that people enjoy my presence. The meeting, however, was with my old team, a grouping of the crew that I normally close with. We may not be returning to our old location any time soon, but it was good to see them, connect and joke. I handed over the cookies, accepted the praise and soaked up the good vibes from my people. At the end of the meeting, our boss had us write little cards saying which partner we really appreciated and why. Three different team members choose me as someone they looked up to and enjoyed working with. It was a really nice shine to my ego and my love language, which is acts of service. It gave me a pump to my step and let my spine straighten out just a little more.

I have to remember that taking care of me through this time is a full time job just for me. Finding these little shiny spots of happy are things I need to keep working on. And, while I’m looking for shiny spots of happy, I can make sure I’m doing self care by drinking water, working on a project for an hour a day at least, and cleaning some part of the house as well. Some days are easier than others with it, and goodness knows that cats are more than eager to curl up with me in bed. In fact, Ginger stood in the kitchen and yelled at me while I was loading the dishwasher last night. As soon as I turned toward her, she ran to the bedroom and jumped into bed. When I came back in the kitchen, she came right back and started yelling again. Apparently I was up past her bedtime. Maybe I should be following their cues a little more so I can try and keep my energy up.