Working On A Quirky Graph

Every year around this time the family gets together and bakes. I mean, bakes. There are about 10 of us in any given year and we will make 18 of each cookie that we are making that year for what we call Cookiepalooza. After we have made all our goodies, we congregate at a family member’s house, exchanging the cookies in one room and gathering to make peanut brittle, the sand cookies (I know that isn’t the real name, but ugh) and drink in another room.

We gather early, bringing our own breakfast because brunch will be liquid, and the olives and dip will not cover it! Then, come mid-afternoon, we wander to a restaurant close by, eat and make our way home.

All in all, it is a good time. We catch up with each other, we make fun of each other and we provide each other support. We talk about what is going on in our lives; the aunts ask questions and try to figure out how best to help you out.

This year, though, has got me all turned around. I’m finding it difficult to find my optimism. Please don’t misunderstand. I’ve never had an overabundance of it, but this year has been more lacking than most. Also, I’m a social introvert and I’m having some trouble gearing up for a large group of family. I love these people, and I want to show them my best face, with my best attitude. I just can’t remember which drawer I have packed it into.

Nevertheless, I have opted in so I need to make 180 cookies. Usually I go with the old standard, the Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip. However I’m over this cookie having made it for years, so I’m looking for something to take its place. I tried the above cookie, which is a spice cake mix cookie with a cream cheese frosting but I wasn’t thrilled with the end result. I’ve got the makings for Kris Kringles, or I could go with a Pumpkin Cookie … I just don’t know, and I need to get my baking done tomorrow. The crunch is on. Luckily my sister and I are going in together so we will not be getting all the cookies back. There is no way I’m eating 180 cookies this year, and I’m not around enough people at work to give them my cast offs.

The funny part is that baking or cookie for others is one of the few things that brings me joy. When I see other people enjoying what I’ve made for them, it kicks over the same little chemical reaction in my brain that gives me pride, joy and peace. I have always brought food into work, usually because I was in other locations than St. Lou and away from my family. This way I could share what I had been making and getting simple joy out of it. It’s one of the reasons I crochet. I almost never keep what I’ve made. It always makes me happy when I give something out that is useful and also brings joy. I am my own worst critic however. I will often give out a gift, and then give the caveat the recipient can always give the blanket away if they don’t end up liking it. It’s almost like giving myself an out that they don’t have to like what I’ve made for them.

The cookies work similarly. In fact, I brought the above cookies into work tonight to share with the crowd. It was the same thing. Looking for affirmation, but giving them an out that it was ok not to like what I’ve made as I wasn’t sure how happy I was with them. I also ended up sharing them with one of my favorite customers tonight. He then tried to get me to bring him a whole batch of whatever else I decided to make, but I’m not to be fooled! I don’t have the time!

Not only am I going to be making cookies all day, but I will also be applying for jobs for the week. A couple of friends have given me leads so I need to see where they go. I know I’m lucky to have the job I have. I completely recognize that, I’m just ready for something different.