Practicing Self Restraint

I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned, couldn’t find a comfortable position to just rest. My gut was churning, my skin was itchy, just nothing was working. Finally I just decided to stay up, a full hour before I was supposed to be up to get ready for today’s race. And after I drug myself from the bedroom and into the shower, I found I had to lean against the wall for a minute to just get my bearings.

I decided not to go to the race. The only real person I would be letting down was me, I wasn’t meeting anyone there. And, honestly, the thought of passing out, or having to sit down forcibly, or even getting through the race and then wandering back to my car held no joy. Even now, standing in one place I can feel myself swaying a bit, trying to find that equilibrium.

I am not, by any stretch overly broken up about this. I’ve kept the promise to myself to walk 5 5Ks this year (I actually did 6), so this last one was really a bonus I didn’t need and that my body is not in the mood for. Does that mean my subconscious is not trying to sneak some guilt in? Absolutely not. That bitch is in the back of my brain subtly making comments about how I’m not really pushing myself and that I’m sure I could have made a ‘quick stroll around the park’ if I had really wanted to go. Which, is not helpful, but also untrue.

And there should be something said for those of us who are having those little mental pep talks with ourselves to quiet the little demons working so hard to sabotage how we see our placement in the world. I often wonder if the voices are just so much louder and that is why some people turn that self doubt outward into straight hate. Some just don’t care enough to try and fix that hate or see it as normal. What a sad world we live in where that can be an everyday occurrence.

I’m going to take it easy today, try and continue to pack in protein and carbs to fuel my brain and see if that can help me with gains for tomorrow.