Confidence Gremlins

Recently I started a new job, moving into a position I am familiar with but the product, not so much. It has been a warm welcome from everyone I encounter, so very different from job I moved from. It is both surprising and concerning all at the same time. Each time I meet someone new, I bemused by their excitement and suspicious that they are this happy. I haven’t even met them, so I cannot figure out what tricks they expect me to pull from my sleeve. Plus it has been hot so I’ve been wearing tank tops.

As I’m unfamiliar with the product, and the so very many rules that go with it, I find I’m not as confident about what I’m leading my team in. I also find I’m over the top trying to make up for it by ‘proving my worth’ with reports, small papercut fixes of the system and earnest conversations with my team. I’m not used to being the voice of reason, but I am finding that I’m wading in to whatever disruptions that are happening with calm voice, pleasant demeanor and this bewildering patience that I normally don’t have. I’m walking in to different areas and organizing just so I can try and understand what is happening.

And I’m having this overwhelming sense of Imposter Syndrome.

Which is such a pain in the

I can do the job. I can manage people, which I haven’t done in over 5 years, but the mechanics are the same. I can learn the product, except each time I sit and try, my eyes blur and I cannot focus. What I should have had under my belt weeks ago I’m learning in a more roundabout way. I don’t really need to know the specifics, I need to understand customer service and helping my team succeed.

However, I’m used to being one of the most knowledgeable in the room and the fact that I’m not is like a splinter in my brain. Not really painful, but annoying if I think the wrong way. It is like standing at the top of a diving platform and knowing the mechanics of the dive, but being out of practice and not really certain the pool is, in fact, deep enough.

This confidence gremlin splinter is driving me to work longer hours than I originally planned, just to make sure I’m ‘showing up’ and proving that the investment that was made was worth it. Longer hours, I start earlier and it has been hot as all get out. I am missing a good nights sleep due to all the factors and I’m trying to figure out how to sneak a nap in mid day. Because the amount of coffee I’ve been imbibing is starting to concern even me. And while I logically know that I cannot hold myself to a different level of standard and expect excellence out of the gate, that doesn’t stop the splinter from itching and making me doubt my abilities.

Maybe I can go to bed a bit early and solve weeks of uncertainty with an extra hour of shut eye. And maybe pigs can grow wings. Anything is possible.