Good Ideas

What a offputtingly odd week. Nothing that would trip any specific gauge of concerns, but for sure, one of those weeks were you would constantly turn your head and say, ‘huh’. And, perhaps, not even any one else. Perhaps it is just me. Perhaps this week has been this odd culmination of small events that make me tip my head and squint.

There was a small election where I live. I’ve been volunteering for the election board so I can make sure there are enough people to help every one that is able and has a right to vote, to vote. I personally think it is a travesty that not everyone that has a right to vote is able to exercise it, or chooses not to. You have the right to do it, use it or someone may take it away.

Either way, it is a long day, starting at 5 am and ending after 7 at night. While I didn’t expect we would be terribly busy as it was a primary, we were fairly steady most of the day. What made my heart trip a bit, however, is an old acquaintance came in to vote at that location. Now, this isn’t a location I usually work at, but I was trying to be as helpful as I could surrounded by a large group of people I’ve never worked around before. When this old friend came up I couldn’t stop my mouth from saying something like, ‘Well, hey Sunshine. It’s been a while.’

Now, for more context, I haven’t seen this friend for years. Like, since before the plague came to these lands years. Actually, probably just before the plague, in fact. For a period of about a year we were in each other’s hip pockets. Chatting constantly, going out most weekends and hitting some sort of favorite restaurant once or twice a month. I was still reeling from a bad breakup and she was, for all intents and purposes acting like a larger than life gay sherpa acclimating me to the wonders that could be found in the city. Don’t get me wrong, she checked all my boxes, down to earth, funny, emotionally unavailable and extremely hard to read, but I didn’t have the confidence I was checking her boxes so I supported her in her search for something simple while simultaneously arranging entertainment and get togethers for others of the rainbow faction in town.

At the end of our time, instead of finding something simple she found something incredibly complicated and abruptly veered left while I kept along the path I had been trodding for months. A close friendship? Situationship? Mutually beneficial arc where both characters used the other for basic companionship until something else came along? ended with a ghosting and a shake of my head as I turned back to my path.

Fast forward almost 6 years and apparently I couldn’t have controlled my mouth to stay shut even if my brain had control. Nothing big happened. There was no revelation over what had occurred. No embarrassing scene, no apology and no overly awkward moments. We caught up quietly, chatted about life and kept the conversation superficial… right up until the end where I made my fatal faux pas. As I’m looking for an end to the conversation, I suggest we grab a bite. And she says, ‘sure, text me, you still have my number, right? ‘

So I text her. And nothing happens. And she says, well that’s odd, nothing on my end has changed. We confirm the number is correct, and when she goes to check her phone, she goes oh, my phone is on silent.

Her phone isn’t on silent.

Cue the awkward. I grin and tell her not to worry. I understand. The times were a little odd then and I’m not overly worried. We give each other the big hug and she walks away.

I get it. She fulfilled something I needed at the time, and I’m assuming I did the same for her. At a certain point, she no longer needed me to fill that space and then muted my number or perhaps even flat out blocked me. And that is completely her right. She deserves to have whatever peace she is looking for, as does everyone. I am richer having spent the time I did with her and everyone I did at that time. I was more social in those few years than I have been in the 6 years since.

I’m also trying to determine if my subconscious somehow decided I needed the closure. Or if it just popped off in surprise and then had us go through that dance. I have no doubt I will not hear from her. If I serve at that same polling station next month I will be sure to hold my tongue so we don’t need to go through the same damn thing.

I have a better idea of my worth now and I’m fairly certain it is more than just guilty leftovers. I’m going to need to come up with some good ideas on how to proceed for the rest of the month though. This introspection is a downer.