Shadow

Every once in a while I have those days where if I had tripped and fell face first into the lap of some sort of visiting dignitary, then farted while trying to climb out, it would have been less embarrassing than my verbal diarrhea talking to random strangers.

As the car is still out of commission I end up taking a rideshare to an election training over the weekend. Over the course of the journey the driver made a comment to the gist of, so long as you are trying to make a difference. At that point my brain disengaged from all good sense and went on some sort of self aggrandized field trip to make sure the person I was talking to didn’t think I was an asshole. I swear I stood outside of myself with my hand over my mouth in some sort of mute horror watching my mouth trip all over itself to prove understanding and humility and failed at everything.

I can only hope that after they were done with my ride they went and laughed themselves silly. Meanwhile I crawled out of the car, doubled the tip for being a jackass and sat in a chair, brain reeling, with a blank wide eyed stare at the ridiculousness that just occurred. Worried what else might fall out of my mouth, I sat silently near the back, listening to all the conversations carrying on around me, not one involving me, but at the same token I struggled to listen to all of the different opinions, snippets of gossip, and odd, boastful statements of selfish cruelty.

While I absolutely came across as an earnest idiot, careful to explain my understanding of my own privilege and how I was contributing to society overall, making sure to lift others up, at least I didn’t casually brag about kicking teenagers out as soon as they turned 18 because they were no longer my problem, or the random prideful note about having over 30 kids.

I don’t live those lives, I cannot even fathom living a life where doing the bare minimum for others is a checkbox on how to live life. I sat, dumbfounded by humanity and realized it is so rare that I spend time with random strangers that I wasn’t sure if I hadn’t forgotten how to just let the experience wash over me.