Something to Believe

I feel like I’ve been talking myself into things a lot lately. Most of them feel responsibility related. Just a few minutes more on the rower. Less creamer in my coffee or even, which feels worse, less coffee in a day. Drinking water before hitting my up my most recent vice of Skinny Pop popcorn. Like a little voice in the back of my brain, but entirely my own cadence entreating me to do the right thing, to push myself a little more or not make the snarky remark that may be warranted but wouldn’t be welcome.

Being an adult sucks most times.

I’ve been telling myself that these changes in behavior will pay off down the line when I’m healthier or not shelling out money for more popcorn I don’t need to be eating, but it seems to go against the joy of doing the things that aren’t necessarily good for me. And honestly the rower is boring as all get out. Truthfully the only way I’ve been able to push myself is by lying to myself that I will stop after that next minute passes, or those calories have been burned. I usually don’t. I’m starting to wonder why I trust myself at all, or who I’m fooling.

I’m also wondering when I started thinking of myself as a separate person. And how healthy that really is. I may not want to traipse down that road today. I am not seeing my therapist this week.

My car hasn’t been diagnosed with whatever went wrong last week. Meanwhile I’m supposed to see my doctor, there is a huge snowstorm hitting the area this week and I have election training at the end of the week. I’m fairly certain I will be canceling the doctor appointment, and may end up taking a Lyft to the election training if I don’t get the car back. I haven’t started looking at replacements yet because I simply don’t have the good vibes to carry it for the car to actually not need a whole new damn transmission. Of course, I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly I need a car for. Trips to the doctor, it seems, probably grocery shopping, but if I can get a successful garden this summer, maybe I can forestall some of that.

I’m not going to hold my breath. I don’t know that my backyard gets enough sun.

I have discovered a new sweet snack I will probably have to swear myself off of later. Tajin Gummy Bears. I’m in so much trouble. Sweet and tangy, the ironic part being that the package says they are mild, which I believe as I don’t sweat when I begin my snacking odyssey but there is a definite tickle in the back of my throat which belies my belief that I can handle more heat than normal.

Which is also evidenced by the pho that I ordered this week at a medium and I was coughing a bit when I hit the very evidently spiced chicken.

As well as the sweet potato soup I made another batch of this weekend as I know it will be cold all week, but in my haste to add some more flavor to it, I put one more tablespoon of diced jalapenos in than I should have. Extremely tasty, but I have never been so glad to have some sourdough in the house to counteract my overexuberance with the spice rack.

Perhaps I should believe in more moderation, but that just doesn’t sound like a good time.