Working On A Quirky Graph

So far the one day of the year with the least amount of daylight had me burrowed under my blankets, putting off starting the day as long as I could just to keep warm. Not that I don’t have the house heated, but still, there is something special about getting your bed to the right temperature, exactly where you need it to be, and you’ve finally nestled that groove into the bed so you can wiggle in just perfectly.

Responsibility, that ridiculous task master kept knocking on my conscious, however, and forced my out of bed to get the small tasks done that needed to be accomplished for my job and give me that small shot of dopamine to keep being productive.

The hardest part, at the moment, is convincing myself to exercise. I saw my other doctor this week, which was great. It always feels good to be able to talk to your doctor and know they are listening. He heard me and knew what needed to be done, which was amazing, and for me also slightly problematic. He said he’s going to talk to my surgeon and they will be scheduling a scope to check out my esophagus, and that also he wants to schedule another surgery, a revision to the bariatric surgery I had done just a year ago, bypassing the stomach altogether and moving everything to my intestines. A RNY.

The scope is to determine if there is scaring in my stomach/esophagus, that is preventing me from taking in too much food. The revision though is so soon after the first surgery. His reasoning is sound. He believes that I have acid reflux which has damaged my esophagus and it will continue to happen. His other thought is that the RNY is a better version/fit and will help me keep the weight off.

To help me get food in until we can determine what on earth is going on with my body, I’m taking antiacids to combat the reflux. And it is working. I’m not hitting that barrier in my throat where I can only take in a few bites. Which, unfortunately, translated to me EATING for the last two days. Not whole tables worth of food. Not even large portions, but a significant amount more than I have for the last few months. And now everything is uncomfortable. My body doesn’t know what to do with all this food, my brain doesn’t know what to do with all this guilt and the chemicals that rule the roost are just all over the joint.

Which has led me to long discussions with myself this morning about exercise and healthy living and moderation and restraint. I’m not entirely sure I’m listening to myself though, and I can almost guarantee and motivation has moved out of the house altogether. I’m setting up a search party, but the usual volunteers are missing. Probably still laying around on some metaphorical couch in a food coma.

I supposed I will be taking this holiday to formulate a whole new motivational theory to start getting myself moving again to combat this newly rediscovered ability to intake calories. As well as upskill my current knowledge base so I can continue my job hunt, and make myself look better to potential employers. Keep working to save money to pay off the debt I’m incurring to fix up this old money pit and keep it from falling down around my ears. And for a final goal to put into the universe this Winter’s Solstice, get the correct bird feeders up and filled so the birds stop looting the bowl of cat food I keep out for the strays. I have no doubt my neighbors think I’m odd already, but once they catch sight of the swarms of birds on my front porch eating the cat food I have no doubt they are wondering what I’m up to.

Honestly, some days so am I.