Earworm Triggers

I woke this morning with a persistent earworm.

It’s astounding
Time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely
Not for very much longer
I’ve got to keep control

Now, the song, while a staple in history, isn’t necessarily profound. There isn’t anything about it that makes people want to etch it on their hearts to carry with them forever, but as this year comes to a close the lyrics are hitting me a bit differently.

This whole year has been one weird wild ride. If you had asked me at the beginning of the year, I don’t know that I would have called any of the events that transpired. Not anything that occurred personally and definitely not what occurred nationally or internationally. It does, in some ways feel like a madness has taken over. I wonder, in some respects if this is always how older generations see time turning? Do they all base their perception of current events with a soft focus lens twisted toward the rear view of fond memories and glossed over realities? Does that make me an old fogey? Do they even say fogey even more?

In further proof that time is topsy turvy, my therapist and my trainer are frustrated with me. Neither think I’m taking my health issues serious enough, and believe I should have raised more of a stink with my doc when I saw them a couple of weeks ago. Technically they aren’t wrong. I can’t really eat. I’ve been pushing for one good meal a day and then feel ill for the rest of the day, so I’m trying to keep that meal for last. I’m working to make that meal protein heavy as well, but sometimes you can only get so much food in. I’m waiting to see what happens now that I’m officially off the Zepbound. I’m sure that didn’t help my desire to eat, although I have no idea if it hurt my ability to physically take in food. But both my trainer and therapist are frustrated that I’m not more bothered by the events and how I have been feeling.

Honestly, all I can do is gesture vaguely at the world and the current events and tell them and what? Of all the problems in this world to have, this is one of the least serious to have. So I can’t eat a lot. I will find a workaround to try and get the protein I need to do the basic functions, still do my job and bring in money to pay off the bills to get the house fixed up. If I’m very very good I could get the major repairs done and paid off in the next year and then I can focus on paying off the house. I can focus on making sure I have enough put away in case something stupid happens and I am scrambling at some point in the next year to come up with a mortgage payment. I can make sure I am being useful at work so I can continue to make those helpful payments that keep a roof over my head, and hoodies keeping me warm.

I’ll be truthful, I cannot be bothered to care. In the grand scheme, it is a Wednesday. I’m still eating. I’m still putting one foot in front of the other, and showering and putting food out for feral cats and making sure they have a warm shelter they can crash in even though I don’t think they are. I’m still paying my bills and working to stabilize the stairwell so it doesn’t fall into a black hole somewhere. I am still walking my last 5k tomorrow even if I couldn’t bring myself to touch the ‘Hot Chocolate’ that was laying around in tiny cups with a giant marshmallow taking up most of the room when I picked up my packet. I’m still catching glimpses of sunsets when I can, and working to make my peers lives easier if I have the ability and losing myself in a book if a character reaches out to grab me.

But I know that I will walk on shaky legs tomorrow back to the car after the race is done, and I will nap when I get home. I know that while I will continue to work on how much I eat, once this race is over the focus will pull back a bit. My biggest worry is passing out walking tomorrow. Once I get past that, I can go back to just surviving on what I can take in and not pushing the matter.

The family has the annual Holiday Cookie Exchange next weekend which means I will switch gears and figure out (maybe) what cookie I will focus on. Or I will make a bunch of different one. Who knows.

And the end of the year looms, just out of reach, but coming faster than anticipated. Because time is fleeting.