Working On A Quirky Graph

How often do we get to face some of our fears face on? How often do we jump up and say, ‘Today I’m going to look in my version of a lion’s mouth to prove to myself that I can do it!’ And then what do we do when we really look? Do we screw our eyes closed, focusing internally or are we keeping our eyes wide open when we stare into whatever abyss or personal demon we are facing down?

The thing is, everyone’s version of demons or fears are different. Also, a personal demon, something plaguing you while you live your life can change, ebb and flow as the years go by. The things that may have chased you to a safe space when you are younger don’t always hold the same sway as the years tick by.. That doesn’t mean they are any less scary, or that you may not be afraid of them, but the impact is different.

When I was younger I remember telling my therapist that I hated going to the store/mall/where the people are because I was so sure they were looking at me and judging me. I can still feel visceral remnants of that fear, of other people staring or making comments to their friends. As I got older that fear lessened in some instances. Not in all, but realizing you have to go to a store to try on some clothes or perhaps find things you wouldn’t find online, drives you to overcome that fear a little more easily. Or, if not overcome, push it to the back of your mind. And people are allowed to have those concerns, they are allowed to have a fear of something if they want, but it is up to them to overcome it. A fear, as defined by Merriam-Webster is “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger”. The only danger in being out in public was a kick to my ego, but that didn’t dissolute how it affected me. It isn’t nearly as paralyzing at this stage of my life, but I can still feel after effects, like when I get bike shorts to start walking the park cause the weight loss means I can’t trust my shorts to fall off my no longer gravity defying ass, but I wear an oversized hoodie to compensate.

It is halfway through that power walk when I’m sweating and I remember that most people actually don’t care, one way or another what is going on with my sagging ass. They don’t. I remember that exchange with my therapist distinctly, because he asked why I thought other people were judging me. And I told him it was because I was judging them. I’ve never seen someone look so disappointed that wasn’t related to me. And it was years later that I understood what he was really trying to tell me.

First, even if I’m forming snap judgements, part of that is an automatic defensive posture. To get before being got. A lot of that fell away in my 20s, and I took on a more self deprecating sense of humor and tone. The thing in life is that no one’s is perfect. And what may look like crap in your own, may look like a dream to someone else. I think some of the younger generations are understanding that better than I did when I was their age, and I’m happy for them. You still see these videos where someone films themselves making fun of someone else, and I can honestly say I feel bad for the person filming. How is that the only way to self validate? And I am by no means an expert, but the potential to be amazing never lies with the approval of others when you tear someone down. The validation you are looking for, and the group you are looking for validation from when you trash someone for just breathing, is empty because that level of hate feeds on the glee of anyone failing. And will turn back on you.

What a difficult road to traverse by having constantly watching how you are portraying yourself and how others are portraying you. That level of stress doesn’t seem like it would be enjoyable to me. But I’ve always been awkward, more focused on reading fun stories, so knocking someone else doesn’t hold any value now. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Holy cow, no. I mess up daily, I let myself down in little ways by not holding myself accountable to my actions or letting others get under my skin. Have I been unkind to others? Yeppers. And I’ve asked forgiveness from those I thought should know about it, and am grateful my brain will kick in every once in a while with admonishments from my past, from others holding me accountable when I was a jerk.

Everyday I’m learning something new. A new way to deal with a problem, Spanish (cause why not), a new crochet stitch I probably won’t do cause it requires counting and I’d rather mindlessly hook or a perspective on life I didn’t have before. Those are things I will get more validation from than making making fun of someone because of the way the are.

Life is so very short. No one can live your life but you. I am sure there are any number of platitudes that can be dropped in here, but the most important one, for me, at the moment, is face your fears. Only you can decide if something is truly dangerous, but educate yourself on it. sit with it, grow past it. Holding on to it will not help you grow as a person. It won’t help you get to whatever step you are working toward in your life. There is also no shame in recognizing that there are fears that drive you. It is a first step.