Working On A Quirky Graph

Have you ever watched a scary movie? Or have you ever been so invested in the journey of a character, whether it be on screen or in a book that you end up talking to it? I will, on occasion, get so caught up in a game that I will yell at the quarterback, like they can hear me on the tv, or if I go to a hockey game in person I’m chanting ‘defense’ like the rest of the fans. I have no idea what I’m expecting. Do I truly believe that the coach will suddenly jump up and realize that the opposing team needs to be hip checked out of the crease before someone gets the puck past the blocked goalie? And it took us chanting in the stands for them to realize that?

I’ve been living my life somewhat like that lately. I feel like I am on the precipice of something. I have no idea what I have no idea where I’m going or if I’m even moving in a forward motion at the moment. There are specific moves I’m making to keep promises I’ve made to myself, like walking in five 5Ks this year. I’ve signed up for two already, and really need to get on picking the others. But I’m hesitating. I’m hesitating because I keep thinking I should be doing something. Should I be scheduling a trip? Should I go somewhere? If so, where? Do I want to deal with tourists even though I will be one? That’s a hard no. Do I have a driving need to go south? I’ve been thinking Charleston and Savannah, but a.) tourist destinations, b) if I wait too long they will be stupid humid and packed, and c) what is driving me? What do I want to do on this vacation? Do I have an activity in mind?

And there in lies the sticking point. I have no real activity that I want to do besides see the Milky Way sometime this summer. The best times to do it would be May through September. If I stay in the states. If I decide to travel outside the states for it, I have a couple of options, including Spain, New Zealand and Italy. But I’m not sure I need to take this big trip right now. I think I need to take a smaller, just for me, starter trip. If I go overseas to see the Milky Way, I will probably go by myself. Is that a hard ship? No, But I also want to make sure I am up to the task. Like, that I can go on my own and enjoy all of it, not just stay in my room and only go out when I have to. So the smaller trip is necessary.

Maybe a trip along the coast of Maine so I can see the beauty of the ocean, always have somewhere I need to be but nothing to tether me to one thing or another?

I have my boss’s voice in my head, ‘What do you have to look forward to?’ becoming a daily drumbeat, I have serious concern that I do not have enough money saved up for retirement that is creeping around several corners and rubbing it’s hands together in solidarity with AARP, and this deep seated feeling that I should be seriously looking for a house to finally settle into (again).

My retirement funds judging me….

A short trip is a quick fix that hopefully settles my boss’s voice. The house is an ongoing debate I’m having with myself. Everyone I talk to mentions how much work it is to have a house. How much interest you will be paying if you buy a house. If something goes wrong it is all on you. It reminds me of every horror movie where people are warned against going to the lonely cabin in the woods that are clearly haunted by the soul of the witch that had been tortured in life, but they are young and full of life and then the music ramps up and they end up bloody and screaming and crying. Sometimes I swear I can hear people yelling at me to turn around! Don’t go down that road!

But it could be the tinnitus. Besides, can’t you see the pretty trees?