Working On A Quirky Graph

Some of the hardest things I have ever done is forgive myself for past mistakes. There are varied levels of mistakes you make. Some are simple, turning on the wrong burner when trying to make a meal, or spilling water on the counter. Some are larger, but are more mistakes in judgement. More like, I’m sure that isn’t really a red flag on my potential romantic interests behavior, or I’m sure the basement will hold up without those crazy expensive beams they’ve suggested.

The house went on the market this week. The amount of work that needs to be done on the house is overwhelming for me and I’m just trying to sell it. My realtor had suggested getting a inspection up front so we would know what was wrong with the house and after I started reading it I was so upset. I was overwhelmed with the amount of work that needed to be done, frustrated that I had no idea there was so much wrong with the house for several years, and so very frustrated with myself that I hadn’t taken the time to make several of those things right. It took me several minutes to calm my mind to remember that kicking myself now will not fix decisions I made years ago. All I can do is acknowledge the decisions, and work to make more sound decisions now.

This week was a struggle, however, trying to fight frustration and remain rational about the process. Watching the texts coming in about people walking the house and not receiving offers or sometimes even positive feedback made sitting in front of my computer at work daunting. Family kept asking if we needed to go and work on the house ourselves and I couldn’t bear the thought. Rationally, what would it accomplish? What changes could be made superficially that would make up for the work that needs to be done to the bones of the house? In my heart though, I knew I could not be physically confronted with such a large past mistake. Seeing all that was wrong would probably break me. I didn’t even look at the photos the person who did the inspection took as I just couldn’t face the failure. Even typing that makes my body cringe.

It is a hard walk back to the rational, that while I made decisions at the moment that are catching up to me now, does not mean I need to punish myself for it. Nothing good will come of that, and I do not need to be caught in the spiral of self doubt. Especially as there are so many other things that I can use my brain to try and work out.

My sister has set a date and location for her wedding, which means the slow roll to a diet, eating better and finally, exercise. The diet is getting better. I have ups and downs but the medication I was given by my endo has helped curb any desire to eat as well as keep me feeling full. I’m pushing myself to minimize how often I am eating meat, as well as how often I’m eating at all. It is easier to not go out when I’m working from home all the time and this week is the first week in several where I haven’t ordered anything to be delivered. If I can keep up this behavior I’m hopeful it will reflect in my weight in the long run. I just have to find the motivation to add walking to this little experiment.

I recently had a mammogram as I’m of that tender age. The Women’s Center sent me a notice that due to my family history I’m at a high risk. They then gave me a number to call and get more information. Needless to say, I haven’t called back. I don’t know that there is more sand around that I could stick my head into. It needs to be on my to do list, but at the moment, I have too many other things clogging my brain to deal with anything else. It doesn’t help that they found an asymmetry in my mammogram. They’ve cleared me from these results and I don’t have to go back for another year, but I’ve found a new vigor to getting my affairs in order. Selling the house. Becoming completely debt free. Throwing out things I don’t need. After I get the house sold I will need to insure I have a will and a living will. There is a lawyer down the street who I hope to take the paperwork (when I sell the house) and I will inquire if they do wills.

Another weekend at the coffee house. It’s hot so more people will be ordering frozen drinks. They make my brain hurt.